Chapter 2


All the details of my Mother’s illness are still fresh in my mind. I
remember especially her last weeks on earth, when Celine and I felt
like poor little exiles. Every morning a friend came to fetch us, and
we spent the day with her. Once, we had not had time to say our prayers
before starting, and on the way my little sister whispered: ”Must we
tell her that we have not said our prayers?” ”Yes,” I answered. So,
very timidly, Celine confided our secret to her, and she exclaimed:
”Well, well, children, you shall say them.” Then she took us to a large
room, and left us there. Celine looked at me in amazement. I was
equally astonished, and exclaimed: ”This is not like Mamma, she always
said our prayers with us.” During the day, in spite of all efforts to
amuse us, the thought of our dear Mother was constantly in our minds. I
remember once, when my sister had an apricot given to her, she leant
towards me and said: ”We will not eat it, I will give it to Mamma.”
Alas! our beloved Mother was now too ill to eat any earthly fruit; she
would never more be satisfied but by the glory of Heaven. There she
would drink of the mysterious wine which Jesus, at His Last Supper,
promised to share with us in the Kingdom of His Father.

The touching ceremony of Extreme Unction made a deep impression on me.
I can still see the place where I knelt, and hear my poor Father’s

My dear Mother died on August 28, 1877, in her forty-sixth year. The
day after her death my Father took me in his arms and said: ”Come and
kiss your dear Mother for the last time.” Without saying a word I put
my lips to her icy forehead. I do not remember having cried much, and I
did not talk to anyone of all that filled my heart; I looked and
listened in silence, and I saw many things they would have hidden from
me. Once I found myself close to the coffin in the passage. I stood
looking at it for a long time; I had never seen one before, but I knew
what it was. I was so small that I had to lift up my head to see its
whole length, and it seemed to me very big and very sad.

Fifteen years later I was again standing by another coffin, that of our
holy Mother Genevieve, [12] and I was carried back to the days of my
childhood. Memories crowded upon me; it was the same little Therese who
looked at it, but she had grown, and the coffin seemed small. She had
not to lift up her head to it, now she only raised her eyes to
contemplate Heaven which seemed to her very full of joy, for trials had
matured and strengthened her soul, so that nothing on earth could make
her grieve.

Our Lord did not leave me wholly an orphan; on the day of my Mother’s
funeral He gave me another mother, and allowed me to choose her freely.
We were all five together, looking at one another sadly, when our
nurse, overcome with emotion, said, turning to Celine and to me: ”Poor
little dears, you no longer have a Mother.” Then Celine threw herself
into Marie’s arms, crying: ”Well, you will be my Mother now.” I was so
accustomed to imitate Celine that I should undoubtedly have followed
her example, but I feared Pauline would be sad and feel herself left
out if she too had not a little daughter. So, with a loving look, I hid
my face on her breast saying in my turn: ”And Pauline will be my

That day, as I have said, began the second period of my life. It was
the most sorrowful of all, especially after Pauline, my second Mother,
entered the Carmel; and it lasted from the time I was four years old
until I was fourteen, when I recovered much of my childish gaiety, even
though I understood more fully the serious side of life.

I must tell you that after my Mother’s death my naturally happy
disposition completely changed. Instead of being lively and
demonstrative as I had been, I became timid, shy, and extremely
sensitive; a look was enough to make me burst into tears. I could not
bear to be noticed or to meet strangers, and was only at ease in my own
family circle. There I was always cherished with the most loving care;
my Father’s affectionate heart seemed endowed with a mother’s love, and
my sisters were no less tender and devoted. If Our Lord had not
lavished so much love and sunshine on His Little Flower, she never
could have become acclimatised to this earth. Still too weak to bear
the storm, she needed warmth, refreshing dew, and soft breezes, and
these gifts were never wanting to her, even in the chilling seasons of

Soon after my Mother’s death, Papa made up his mind to leave Alenc,on
and live at Lisieux, so that we might be near our uncle, my Mother’s
brother. He made this sacrifice in order that my young sisters should
have the benefit of their aunt’s guidance in their new life, and that
she might act as a mother towards them. I did not feel any grief at
leaving my native town: children love change and anything out of the
common, and so I was pleased to come to Lisieux. I remember the journey
quite well, and our arrival in the evening at my uncle’s house, and I
can still see my little cousins, Jeanne and Marie, waiting on the
doorstep with my aunt. How touching was the affection all these dear
ones showed us!

The next day they took us to our new home, Les Buissonets, [13]
situated in a quiet part of the town. I was charmed with the house my
Father had taken. The large upper window from which there was an
extensive view, the flower garden in front, and the kitchen garden at
the back–all these seemed delightfully new to my childish mind; and
this happy home became the scene of many joys and of family gatherings
which I can never forget. Elsewhere, as I said before, I felt an exile,
I cried and fretted for my Mother; but here my little heart expanded,
and I smiled on life once more.

When I woke there were my sisters ready to caress me, and I said my
prayers kneeling between them. Then Pauline gave me my reading lesson,
and I remember that ”Heaven” was the first word I could read alone.
When lessons were over I went upstairs, where Papa was generally to be
found, and how pleased I was when I had good marks to show. Every
afternoon I went out for a walk with him, and we paid a visit to the
Blessed Sacrament in one or other of the Churches. It was in this way
that I first saw the Chapel of the Carmel: ”Look, little Queen,” Papa
said to me, ”behind that big grating there are holy nuns who are always
praying to Almighty God.” Little did I think that nine years later I
should be amongst them, that in this blessed Carmel I should receive so
many graces.

On returning home I learnt my lessons, and then spent the rest of the
day playing in the garden near Papa. I never cared for dolls, but one
of my favourite amusements was making coloured mixtures with seeds and
the bark of trees. If the colours were pretty, I would promptly offer
them to Papa in a little cup and entice him to taste them; then my
dearest Father would leave his work and smilingly pretend to drink. I
was very fond of flowers, and amused myself by making little altars in
holes which I happened to find in the middle of my garden wall. When
finished I would run and call Papa, and he seemed delighted with them.
I should never stop if I told you of the thousand and one incidents of
this kind that I can remember. How shall I make you understand the love
that my Father lavished on his little Queen!

Those were specially happy days for me when I went fishing with my dear
”King,” as I used to call him. Sometimes I tried my hand with a small
rod of my own, but generally I preferred to sit on the grass some
distance away. Then my reflections became really deep, and, without
knowing what meditation meant, my soul was absorbed in prayer. Far-off
sounds reached me, the murmuring of the wind, sometimes a few uncertain
notes of music from a military band in the town a long way off; all
this imparted a touch of melancholy to my thoughts. Earth seemed a
place of exile, and I dreamed of Heaven.

The afternoon passed quickly away, and it was soon time to go home, but
before packing up I would eat the provisions I had brought in a small
basket. Somehow the slices of bread and jam, prepared by my sisters,
looked different; they had seemed so tempting, and now they looked
stale and uninviting. Even such a trifle as this made the earth seem
sadder, and I realised that only in Heaven will there be unclouded joy.

Speaking of clouds, I remember how one day when we were out, the blue
sky became overcast and a storm came on, accompanied by vivid
lightning. I looked round on every side, so as to lose nothing of the
grand sight. A thunderbolt fell in a field close by, and, far from
feeling the least bit afraid, I was delighted–it seemed that God was
so near. Papa was not so pleased, and put an end to my reverie, for
already the tall grass and daisies, taller than I, were sparkling with
rain-drops, and we had to cross several fields to reach the road. In
spite of his fishing tackle, he carried me in his arms while I looked
down in the beautiful jewelled drops, almost sorry that I could not be
drenched by them.

I do not think I have told you that in our daily walks at Lisieux, as
in Alenc,on, I often used to give alms to the beggars. One day we came
upon a poor old man who dragged himself painfully along on crutches. I
went up to give him a penny. He looked sadly at me for a long time, and
then, shaking his head with a sorrowful smile, he refused my alms. I
cannot tell you what I felt; I had wished to help and comfort him, and
instead of that, I had, perhaps, hurt him and caused him pain. He must
have guessed my thought, for I saw him turn round and smile at me when
we were some way off.

Just then Papa bought me a cake. I wished very much to run after the
old man and give it to him, for I thought: ”Well, he did not want
money, but I am sure he would like to have a cake.” I do not know what
held me back, and I felt so sad I could hardly keep from crying; then I
remembered having heard that one obtains all the favours asked for on
one’s First Communion Day. This thought consoled me immediately, and
though I was only six years old at the time, I said to myself: ”I will
pray for my poor old man on the day of my First Communion.” Five years
later I faithfully kept my resolution. I have always thought that my
childish prayer for this suffering member of Christ has been blessed
and rewarded.

As I grew older my love of God grew more and more. I often offered my
heart to Him, using the words my Mother had taught me, and I tried very
hard to please Him in all my actions, taking great care never to offend
Him. And yet one day I committed a fault which I must tell you here–it
gives me a good opportunity of humbling myself, though I believe I have
grieved over it with perfect contrition.

It was the month of May, 1878. My sisters decided that I was too small
to go to the May devotions every evening, so I stayed at home with the
nurse and said my prayers with her before the little altar which I had
arranged according to my own taste. Everything was small–candlesticks,
vases, and the rest; two wax vestas were quite sufficient to light it
up properly. Sometimes Victoire, the maid, gave me some little bits of
real candle, but not often.

One evening, when we went to our prayers, I said to her: ”Will you
begin the Memorare? I am going to light the candles.” She tried to
begin, and then looked at me and burst out laughing. Seeing my precious
vestas burning quickly away, I begged her once more to say the
Memorare. Again there was silence, broken only by bursts of laughter.
All my natural good temper deserted me. I got up feeling dreadfully
angry, and, stamping my foot furiously, I cried out: ”Victoire, you
naughty girl!” She stopped laughing at once, and looked at me in utter
astonishment, then showed me–too late–the surprise she had in store
hidden under her apron–two pieces of candle. My tears of anger were
soon changed into tears of sorrow; I was very much ashamed and grieved,
and made a firm resolution never to act in such a way again.

Shortly after this I made my first confession. [14] It is a very sweet
memory. Pauline had warned me: ”Therese, darling, it is not to a man
but to God Himself that you are going to tell your sins.” I was so
persuaded of this that I asked her quite seriously if I should not tell
Father Ducellier that I loved him ”with my whole heart,” as it was
really God I was going to speak to in his person.

Well instructed as to what I was to do, I entered the confessional, and
turning round to the priest, so as to see him better, I made my
confession and received absolution in a spirit of lively faith–my
sister having assured me that at this solemn moment the tears of the
Holy Child Jesus would purify my soul. I remember well that he exhorted
me above all to a tender devotion towards Our Lady, and I promised to
redouble my love for her who already filled so large a place in my
heart. Then I passed him my Rosary to be blessed, and came out of the
Confessional more joyful and lighthearted than I had ever felt before.
It was evening, and as soon as I got to a street lamp I stopped and
took the newly blessed Rosary out of my pocket, turning it over and
over. ”What are you looking at, Therese, dear?” asked Pauline. ”I am
seeing what a blessed Rosary looks like.” This childish answer amused
my sisters very much. I was deeply impressed by the graces I had
received, and wished to go to confession again for all the big feasts,
for these confessions filled me with joy. The feasts! What precious
memories these simple words bring to me. I loved them; and my sisters
knew so well how to explain the mysteries hidden in each one. Those
days of earth became days of Heaven. Above all I loved the procession
of the Blessed Sacrament: what a joy it was to strew flowers in God’s
path! But before scattering them on the ground I threw them high in the
air, and was never so happy as when I saw my rose-leaves touch the
sacred Monstrance.

And if the great feasts came but seldom, each week brought one very
dear to my heart, and that was Sunday. What a glorious day! The Feast
of God! The day of rest! First of all the whole family went to High
Mass, and I remember that before the sermon we had to come down from
our places, which were some way from the pulpit, and find seats in the
nave. This was not always easy, but to little Therese and her Father
everyone offered a place. My uncle was delighted when he saw us come
down; he called me his ”Sunbeam,” and said that to see the venerable
old man leading his little daughter by the hand was a sight which
always filled him with joy. I never troubled myself if people looked at
me, I was only occupied in listening attentively to the preacher. A
sermon on the Passion of our Blessed Lord was the first I understood,
and it touched me deeply. I was then five and a half, and after that
time I was able to understand and appreciate all instructions. If St.
Teresa was mentioned, my Father would bend down and whisper to me:
”Listen attentively, little Queen, he is speaking of your holy
patroness.” I really did listen attentively, but I must own I looked at
Papa more than at the preacher, for I read many things in his face.
Sometimes his eyes were filled with tears which he strove in vain to
keep back; and as he listened to the eternal truths he seemed no longer
of this earth, his soul was absorbed in the thought of another world.
Alas! Many long and sorrowful years had to pass before Heaven was to be
opened to him, and Our Lord with His Own Divine Hand was to wipe away
the bitter tears of His faithful servant.

To go back to the description of our Sundays. This happy day which
passed so quickly had also its touch of melancholy; my happiness was
full till Compline, but after that a feeling of sadness took possession
of me. I thought of the morrow when one had to begin again the daily
life of work and lessons, and my heart, feeling like an exile on this
earth, longed for the repose of Heaven–the never ending Sabbath of our
true Home. Every Sunday my aunt invited us in turns to spend the
evening with her. I was always glad when mine came, and it was a
pleasure to listen to my uncle’s conversation. His talk was serious,
but it interested me, and he little knew that I paid such attention;
but my joy was not unmixed with fear when he took me on his knee and
sang ”Bluebeard” in his deep voice.

About eight o’clock Papa would come to fetch me. I remember that I used
to look up at the stars with inexpressible delight. Orion’s belt
fascinated me especially, for I saw in it a likeness to the letter ”T.”
”Look, Papa,” I would cry, ”my name is written in Heaven!” Then, not
wishing to see this dull earth any longer, I asked him to lead me, and
with my head thrown back, I gazed unweariedly at the starry skies.

I could tell you much about our winter evenings at home. After a game
of draughts my sisters read aloud Dom Gueranger’s Liturgical Year, and
then a few pages of some other interesting and instructive book. While
this was going on I established myself on Papa’s knee, and when the
reading was done he used to sing soothing snatches of melody in his
beautiful voice, as if to lull me to sleep, and I would lay my head on
his breast while he rocked me gently to and fro.

Later on we went upstairs for night prayers, and there again my place
was beside my beloved Father, and I had only to look at him to know how
the Saints pray. Pauline put me to bed, and I invariably asked her:
”Have I been good to-day? Is God pleased with me? Will the Angels watch
over me?” The answer was always ”Yes,” otherwise I should have spent
the whole night in tears. After these questions my sisters kissed me,
and little Therese was left alone in the dark.

I look on it as a real grace that from childhood I was taught to
overcome my fears. Sometimes in the evening Pauline would send me to
fetch something from a distant room; she would take no refusal, and she
was quite right, for otherwise I should have become very nervous,
whereas now it is difficult to frighten me. I wonder sometimes how my
little Mother was able to bring me up with so much tenderness, and yet
without spoiling me, for she did not pass over the least fault. It is
true she never scolded me without cause, and I knew well she would
never change her mind when once a thing was decided upon.

To this dearly loved sister I confided my most intimate thoughts; she
cleared up all my doubts. One day I expressed surprise that God does
not give an equal amount of glory to all the elect in Heaven–I was
afraid that they would not all be quite happy. She sent me to fetch
Papa’s big tumbler, and put it beside my tiny thimble, then, filling
both with water, she asked me which seemed the fuller. I replied that
one was as full as the other–it was impossible to pour more water into
either of them, for they could not hold it. In this way Pauline made it
clear to me that in Heaven the least of the Blessed does not envy the
happiness of the greatest; and so, by bringing the highest mysteries
down to the level of my understanding, she gave my soul the food it

Joyfully each year I welcomed the prize day. Though I was the only
competitor, justice was none the less strictly observed, and I never
received rewards unless they were well merited. My heart used to beat
with excitement when I heard the decisions, and in presence of the
whole family received prizes from Papa’s hands. It was to me like a
picture of the Judgment Day!

Seeing Papa so cheerful, no suspicion of the terrible trials which
awaited him crossed my mind; but one day God showed me, in an
extraordinary vision, a vivid picture of the trouble to come. My Father
was away on a journey, and could not return as early as usual. It was
about two or three o’clock in the afternoon; the sun was shining
brightly, and all the world seemed gay. I was alone at the window,
looking on to the kitchen garden, my mind full of cheerful thoughts,
when I saw before me, in front of the wash-house, a man dressed exactly
like Papa, of the same height and appearance, but more bent and aged. I
say aged, to describe his general appearance, for I did not see his
face as his head was covered with a thick veil. He advanced slowly,
with measured step, along my little garden; at that instant a feeling
of supernatural fear seized me, and I called out loudly in a trembling
voice: ”Papa, Papa!” The mysterious person seemed not to hear, he
continued his walk without even turning, and went towards a clump of
firs which grew in the middle of the garden. I expected to see him
reappear at the other side of the big trees, but the prophetic vision
had vanished.

It was all over in a moment, but it was a moment which impressed itself
so deeply on my memory that even now, after so many years, the
remembrance of it is as vivid as the vision itself.

My sisters were all together in an adjoining room. Hearing me call
”Papa!” they were frightened themselves, but Marie, hiding her
feelings, ran to me and said: ”Why are you calling Papa, when he is at
Alenc,on?” I told her what I had seen, and to reassure me they said
that Nurse must have covered her head with her apron on purpose to
frighten me. Victoire, however, when questioned, declared she had not
left the kitchen–besides, the truth was too deeply impressed on my
mind: I had seen a man, and that man was exactly like my Father. We all
went to look behind the clump of trees, and, finding nothing, my
sisters told me to think no more about it. Ah, that was not in my
power! Often and often my imagination brought before me this mysterious
vision, often and often I tried to raise the veil which hid its true
meaning, and deep down in my heart I had a conviction that some day it
would be fully revealed to me. And you know all, dear Mother. You know
that it was really my Father whom God showed me, bent by age, and
bearing on his venerable face and his white head the symbol of his
terrible trial. [15]

As the Adorable Face of Jesus was veiled during His Passion, so it was
fitting that the face of His humble servant should be veiled during the
days of his humiliation, in order that it might shine with greater
brilliancy in Heaven. How I admire God’s ways! He showed us this
precious cross beforehand, as a father shows his children the glorious
future he is preparing for them–a future which will bring them an
inheritance of priceless treasures.

But a thought comes into my mind: ”Why did God give this light to a
child who, if she had understood it, would have died of grief?” ”Why?”
Here is one of those incomprehensible mysteries which we shall only
understand in Heaven, where they will be the subject of our eternal
admiration. My God, how good Thou art! How well dost Thou suit the
trial to our strength!

At that time I had not courage even to think that Papa could die,
without being terrified. One day he was standing on a high step-ladder,
and as I was close by he called out: ”Move away, little Queen; if I
fall I shall crush you.” Instantly I felt an inward shock, and, going
still nearer to the ladder, I thought: ”At least if Papa falls I shall
not have the pain of seeing him die, for I shall die with him.” I could
never say how much I loved him. I admired everything he did. When he
explained his ideas on serious matters, as if I were a big girl, I
answered him naively: ”It is quite certain, Papa, that if you spoke
like that to the great men who govern the country they would take you
and make you King. Then France would be happier than it was ever been;
but you would be unhappy, because that is the lot of kings; besides you
would no longer be my King alone, so I am glad that they do not know

When I was six or seven years old I saw the sea for the first time. The
sight made a deep impression on me, I could not take my eyes off it.
Its majesty, and the roar of the waves, all spoke to my soul of the
greatness and power of God. I remember, when we were on the beach, a
man and woman looked at me for a long time, then, asking Papa if I was
his child, they remarked that I was a very pretty little girl. Papa at
once made a sign to them not to flatter me; I was delighted to hear
what they said, for I did not think I was pretty. My sisters were most
careful never to talk before me in such a way as to spoil my simplicity
and childish innocence; and, because I believed so implicitly in them,
I attached little importance to the admiration of these people and
thought no more about it.

That evening at the hour when the sun seems to sink into the vast
ocean, leaving behind it a trail of glory, I sat with Pauline on a bare
rock, and gazed for long on this golden furrow which she told me was an
image of grace illumining the way of faithful souls here below. Then I
pictured my soul as a tiny barque, with a graceful white sail, in the
midst of the furrow, and I resolved never to let it withdraw from the
sight of Jesus, so that it might sail peacefully and quickly towards
the Heavenly Shore.

[12] This holy nun had been professed at the Carmel of Poitiers, and
was sent from there to make the foundation at Lisieux in 1838. Her
memory is held in benediction in both these convents; in the sight of
God she constantly practised the most heroic virtue, and on December 5,
1891, crowned a life of good works by a holy death. She was then
eighty-six years of age.

[13] This house, an object of deep interest to the clients of Soeur
Therese, is much frequented by pilgrims to Lisieux. [Ed.]

[14] This first confession was made in the beautiful church of St.
Pierre, formerly the cathedral of Lisieux. [Ed.]

[15] It seems advisable, on account of the vague allusions which occur
here and elsewhere, to state what happened to M. Louis Martin. At the
age of sixty-six, having already had several partial attacks, he was
struck with general paralysis, and his mind gave way altogether.